CATHOLICS AND CAPITALISTS FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Today, we decided to go to Church to hear “holiday words of wisdom” :)
St. Joseph Church, Varazdin, Croatia, December 25th, 2012
The day little Jesus was born did not seem to inspire this Priest very much. The leading message was inspired by the results of a recent census in which 86% of Croats were declared Catholics. But, the confusing thing about it for our Priest was that only 14% of these go to Church every Sunday. How does this happen and what does it mean? The Priest understands that this means that not all declared Catholics are sincere about their religion, or not all Catholics recognize the Church as the head institution. It seems that the Pope also agrees so he sent a letter describing what a Catholic should do to appear sincere. Finally, it’s all about appearances!
So, the most important thing, according to Pope, is that Catholics go to mass every Sunday. Of course, this will solve everything! Since there are so many inspiring thoughts to hear there, it certainly pays off.
Next, it is very important to confess your sins regularly. For those who might not be familiar this is done with a Priest made of flesh and blood, who will decide instead of God the severity of your sins and decide for a punishment. God of course forgives because he’s cool. Unlike the Priest.
This brings us to the economic crisis. Apparently, it was not the crisis that made people desperate, disappointed and bitter, but the other way around. The economic crisis happened because people are no good, don’t go to Church and don’t confess their sins… of course!
More specifically, the most likely cause of the crisis seems to be the frequent use of swear words!
Where there are swear words, there is no culture, no happiness and that is how the crisis started.
Well I’ll be damned :) God doesn’t visit places where people don’t use nice vocabulary! Remember that, you sinners!
It seems that the most important thing is to appear a good Catholic by obeying the rules of the Church. And the rules come out as a result of discussions in Vatican every once in awhile and don’t ever say anything about being good to each other or forgiving, but sure do say a whole lot about not using the F word. If only people would just obey, there would be no crisis what so ever!
Dear Pope with your red Prada shoes, dear priest whom we listened to at 8 am this morning: there is a little something called The New Testament. And it says:
“Give the emperor what belongs to the emperor, give God what belongs to God.’’
And there is no need to overthink this! Just keep it simple and stick to it. Give the economic crisis to the economists and give yourselves the time to go through the Gospel again. Then go comfort people. Next time do your homework for God’s sake!
What comes to mind as a potential solution is 3 Hail Marys for our Priest as a penance. Next time, be a good altar boy and prepare several sentences that might actually make people feel better about themselves instead of giving them a guilt trip. As an alternative, have a waiter bring you a couple of Bloody Marys for inspiration, it will calm your nerves.
Oh and waiter, while you’re at it, take these Hail Marys back, they’re not sincere, I’m not paying for them!
We decided to buy the local catholic newspaper “Glas Koncila” (The Voice of the Council) out of curiosity. Out of all the crappy articles, each of which is useless to any person with an IQ over 60, one stuck out as the ultimate bullcrap! As much as it is an insult to our intelligence it is a threat to any unsteady and/or uninformed person.
The article deals with sexual education, which is currently trying to make its way into Croatian schools (shocking!).
Introduction to Bullshit:
(“Are we moving towards a “gender” society?”, written by Mons. Nikola Radic, Glas Koncila, December 16th 2012)
“Sexual education has a key role. Young children are encouraged to early sexual experiences, and school programs turn them into experts on contraception. In Germany, parents were even given a printed guide for the sexual education of 1 to 3 year old children.”
Let’s all take a moment and ease the nausea… OK, moving on! Is Mons. Nikola Radic seriously arguing that having responsible attitudes towards sex would be a threat to society? Oh no, that would be horrible, a world with no teenage pregnancies and God forbid no STDs! What a terrifying idea, thank you Mons. Radic for opening our eyes! And btw NOBODY said pedophilia should be legalized, as much as the Church would profit from it.
“Men and women as in male and female don’t exist anymore. Now each of them (male and female) can exist in at least 3 gender versions: heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual… But it doesn’t stop there; there are already many more genders: trans, queer, animal, pedo, tris, incest…, and they can multiply freely. They are supposed to be socially acknowledged and equal. This is why they should be “legalized”.”
Did he just put transsexuals and queers in the same package with pedophiles and incest? Why did he associate personal lifestyle choices with severe crimes? Because that’s exactly what he wants his readers to do… nicely played Monsignor!
“The main obstacle to achieving imaginary “statistical equality” between men and women is certainly maternity because only women can bare a child and breast-feed. For women to reach equality with men, gender ideology finds a solution in promoting abortion. In this way, a woman will be able to free herself of the burden of maternity.”
What a preposterous idea to assume men and women could ever be equal! The obstacle has nothing to do with maternity but with people’s ignorance and fear of the unknown. The fact that a person is anatomically able to have a child doesn’t mean they have to. Just because only women can give birth doesn’t mean only women have responsibilities towards the child. Just a reminder, there’s a guy called Dad whose participation is necessary to conceive a child (except for Jesus). Once a child is accidentally conceived, the Church is all about condemning women (often girls) to a life of shame and guilt. When will the Pro Life community understand that the rest of us are not against life but Pro Choice?! Abortion is a human’s rights topic and is voted by governments. It is in no case a subject for the Church or the medical profession to debate.
Obviously the Church is not familiar with the nature vs nurture discussion. Being a parent is not being able to reproduce but being able to love. Do we even dare to ask where the Church stands even on reproductively challenged heterosexuals adopting orphans? Or should they leave it the way God intended?
On the bright side, it’s a relief knowing that Mons. Nikola Radic took a vow of chastity! Let’s hope he sticks to it!
And finally doesn’t the Bible teach us that we are all equal before God?…
PEOPLE STRUGGLE THROUGHOUT THE WORLD. ONE OF THE PLACES THEY GO TO TO SEEK COMFORT IS THE CHURCH. HERE ARE A FEW “WORDS OF WISDOM” FROM ST FRANCIS’ MASS.
December 2nd 2012, Split (Croatia)
The Priest opened with “A=A”. To support this, he quoted a Greek philosopher “what is is, and what is not is not.”
OK…First of all, WTF?! Does that mean that the shit people put up with is here to stay and they should get over it? Does it mean the decent life they don’t have will remain absent?
“What is not can appear. And what is can disappear. What is temporarily is. And what is not, temporarily is not.”
So basically forget about “A=A”. Turns out “A= anything you want…or not.” Go figure that one out!
Apparently we should all look up to Ulysses who he lived a “symmetrical life”. He went on a journey and came back home unlike Abraham who lived an “asymmetrical life”. How the Priest went from Ulysses and Abraham to chemistry beats the hell out of us but according to him “we all learned in school that what enters a chemical reaction must come out of it”…did we learn that?! How is that in any way related to anything or relevant to anyone? Here’s one possible scenario: You wake up one morning with some help of a rooster and think “Hey! Off I go!” and so you go, pick up some friends in case some supernatural creatures want to mess with you, you go around the world several times, hook up with some mermaids, come back home after a loooong time, stop and think “wait, that’s no way to live! I should have done it asymmetrically like Abraham!” If that sounds like your life then it made total sense. The chemistry detail remains a mystery.
The Priest suggested we should live our lives like Abraham, forget about Ulysses! Once you leave home, stay away! At this point, symmetry is for losers.
Next up, the Apocalypse! “Don’t be frightened by it, it’s just a word. Every theology student knows it but every average person has been brainwashed by it”. Not to worry, the Apocalypse is not so apocalyptic after all! The end has to come and it’s all the beginning’s fault. “Where there is a beginning, there has to be an end”. Finally some good news! People, cheer up, maybe this shit has a chance of ending after all!
The Priest concluded that “everything must come full circle”. Woops, looks like Ulysses was right after all, praise the symmetry!
Now if that didn’t help solve all those existential problems, what will, you demanding sinners!